Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.