@DandyTruman: Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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@abbycohenwl: *releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird
@shipwrecksean: I'm looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga
@lilgapeach30: Men. Can't live with 'em...can't finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
@bourgeoisalien: The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, "Happy Birthday" just to get cake.