“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Breaking news:
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
So sick of all these stupid rules
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?