Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
dictator is short for richard potato
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*