guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.