Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
You Might Also Like
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.