@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
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@the_mom_dot_com: My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
@MattOswaltVA: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
@hardlyrelevant: [I time travel to 1998] Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs