@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.
@djdarrellripley: Him: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants. Me: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
@ReeseButCallMeV: OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
@Celestinelea90: I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.