@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
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@ahamedweinberg: 2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Dog Restaurant] "Is the Book Report any good?" Yes, Sir. "How's it prepared?" A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it. "Ooh, I'll have that."
@KevinFarzad: People are often shocked when I tell them I'm single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.