me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.