My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.