You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
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I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Expect the unexporcupine.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy