You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Catercrombie & Fish
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.