@LizHackett: You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken's done.
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@LipLush1: 911: what's your emergency? me: I taught my Dad how to text 911: the problem ma'am? me: he CALLS to say "yeah, got ur text"
@KrunkedRobot: Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
@JakeNicholas: There's a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
@batkaren: How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?