You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.