You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
#parenting
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.