You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now