“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
happy mother’s day❤️
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral