@boring_as_heck: You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.
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@KentWGraham: Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
@cowboyjeffkent: Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
@ComedicBust: *Blind Date* Her: Ask me anything.. Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos? Her: Are you seri.. Me: *flips table*
@dire_beard: If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.