@boring_as_heck: You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.
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@TheMichaelRock: Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won't have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.
@Elizasoul80: My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."
@geowizzacist: 3 (calls out): daddy I'm cleaning the floor with a mob. Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that's a mob