i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.