“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off