You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.