[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*