You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK