HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.