One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”