friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all