You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Meanwhile in Canada…
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I need better friends
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god