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@TattleTSister: You're an open book?
"Throws you into a bonfire."
@Laser_Cat: I'm sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I'm only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
@spekulation: My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
@withanewname: The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
@birbigs: "It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe
@mzeld: What's your body type? Mine is "giant gummy bear."