“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
j o i m p
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Two types of dogs.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”