“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
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Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I think about this a lot
I have a new favorite meme page