“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
That eye roll….
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Huge, if true.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!