You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?