You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.