You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.