Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
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Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.