There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either