Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
PARKOUR
I am all good here, 😂😉
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave