Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..