The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Nice try Hitler
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
📽️movie date🎞️
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.