Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars