“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I would like even faster food.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday