“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake