You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
You Might Also Like
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.