You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”