“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road