My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.