You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I hope this email finds you in a well
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess