“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Oh my god
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.