@SardonicTart: "You're free now" I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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@rachelle_mandik: New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw? Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
@Vice_Queen: I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss... and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.