@SardonicTart: "You're free now" I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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@CauseWereGuys: My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago
@BaileysIrishTom: What's the best way to remove a grass stain? Alcohol? I don't see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
@IntoxicaTweeted: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.