“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.