“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.