“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’m not lazy
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Feels like there should be a middle ground
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear