You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
don’t be scared
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me