You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
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If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat