Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face