You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
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Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys